Anxiety

I try not to leave the house. I know if I do, crossing a bridge is inevitable. When we do cross a bridge I have a good deathgrip on the door or seatbelt with one hand near the latch, quick release should we go over into the water. Breathe shallow or hold my breath, as if I'm trying conserve precious oxygen in car not yet flooded with water. Just bridges over water. I'm deathly afraid, possibly phobic, of drowning in a car. White knuckled it from VA to DE, Newport News to Norfolk, over Bay Bridge and Golden Gate going to Santa Rosa, CA. Passed out (wasn't driving) on the bridge over Lake Pontchartrain, puke coming off a bridge from GA to SC. I moved to the City of Bridges. What. An. Idiot!

Bridges aside, there are people. Crowds create more anxiety than sparsely populated areas. Hypervigilence.

Know my surroundings, what people are doing, who looks shady/out of place, scan for threats, visualize escape routes, what makes a good weapon, hiding spot, sit with my back against an obstacle.

- Like driving. Visualize all possible events and actions to take. Don't stay blocked in when moving freely. Don't stay behind large vehicles. Traffic? Stay on shouldered lanes, if there is no "out", breathe! - I have it down pat, just need a glance, gut instinct doesn't lie. The guy with the camera, the one hanging around the play area, does he have a kid there? No? Why is he there? Why is he taking pictures? What's that look on his face? Body language. Remember the face, the clothes, just in case. Pedophile. Note the time/day. The process runs in the background while I'm talking, walking, shopping. Like taking a snapshot. The mother with the daughter - no - neice? She didn't call her "mom" but she's comfortable. Irrelevant. No threat. Scan. Always, always, always be aware of surroundings. The only visual to come relatively close to my thought process is the newer Sherlock films, how Sherlock thought before he acted. That's how it is with me.

RR-PTSD is a bitch.